Dove, you are the bane of my existance.

Exactly one year ago this month, I received a Costco coupon book in the mail. 

I somehow managed to make a trip amid working, closing on a house, and keeping Tim happy.  Wonders never cease.

I am still using 4 of the things I purchased (with coupons) while there:

1) Dishwasher Detergent

2) Laundry Detergent

3) Toilet Bowl Cleaner

4) Dove Shampoo and Conditioner

(Just goes to show how often I clean the toilet.)

For the record, I am glad not to have bought 1) Dishwasher Detergent, 2) Laundry Detergent, and 3) Toilet Bowl Cleaner in a whole year.  Ladies, it’s been nice doing (cleaning) business with you.  I’ve enjoyed it.  Truly, I have.

And then there’s Dove.

Dove, I’ve used your barsoap since I was a wee thing, and I will use it until the day I die.

But I hate your shampoo and conditioner.

It is the bane of my existence.

Pretty much everything bad that has ever happened to me this entire year can be traced back to the two green bottles of your cucumber slime hunkered out in my shower.

The green bottles of Beelzebub, I like to call them…because just like the ol’ devil himself, I try and try and TRY but I cannot rid myself of them. And I am here today to tell you that at the cross, Jesus won my battle with Satan.  That B-bub’s a goner, man.  But Jesus forgot to crush the head of my Dove Moisture Therapy while He was at it. 

For real, I feel like the widow with the endless pitcher of oil–except I’m not a widow and my endless supply comes out of a salon pump.  I have done everything I can think of.  Absolutely everything.  I use two squirts instead of one with every shower.  I *accidentally* over squirt  and miss my hand sometimes.  I buried T’s manly-smelling All-in-One deep in a pile of feminine hygiene products so he’ll have to use mine.  I use shampoo instead of body wash.  I shampoo the carpet in my car.  I shampoo stray neighbor hood cats.  Tim and I have shampoo wars at every opportunity.  I make Tim shave with shampoo lather.  Even still…the bottle isn’t even half gone.

Why couldn’t they have been two huge, never ending bottles of mint dark chocolate ice cream, Dove?  Why?  Whyyyyyyyy?!?!

Dear Reader, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “Throw them away!”  In fact, you might even be screaming it.

Here’s the thing: I can’t.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

I can oversquirt and overuse and whine and complain and threaten until I’m oily in the hair blue in the face. 

Thus far, and no farther.

While there is life and breath left in me (and my shampoo bottle), I will never, ever throw away anything that has even the smallest potential of usefulness.

Waste not, want not.  That’s my motto…even when it means waste not what I want not. 

Here I stand.  I can do no other.   

[Tim would just like me to tell you that he has never shaved with shampoo lather, nor used anything but his own manly smelling shampoo, neither.]

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  1. #1 by Anna C on October 26, 2010 - 5:33 pm

    You’re right. I was just going to tell you to throw it away. Just think how much money you’ve saved in the last year of using it. Surely that’s enough if you really hate it that much? 😉

  2. #2 by Angela Starosta on October 26, 2010 - 7:49 pm

    I’ll send you a homemade shampoo bar and, out of the kindness of your heart, you will feel compelled to use my gift. Problem solved (unless yuou dont like that either, then youre even worse off)

  3. #3 by joannamv on October 26, 2010 - 7:52 pm

    You could just…donate them…

    Josh needs some never-ending shower supplies; he always runs out and then steals mine haha.

  4. #4 by Sally on October 26, 2010 - 11:57 pm

    Oh my! Andrew has trained me away from that mentality with despised items. Mercy! Spare yourself a stroke from high blood pressure and throw the bottles away, or at least donate them to a Salvation Army mission house or something. I know the feeling of suffering through mediocre or bad stuff, and it’s so much harder to pitch when you’ve spent your husband’s hard-earned money on it, but sometimes you just have to. Also, that’s why I buy tried and true stuff, even if it isn’t the thing that’s the cheapest or on the best sale or what I have a coupon for. I’ve been in your position too many times and sure hated it!

  5. #5 by Tierney on October 27, 2010 - 10:16 am

    Ugh, bad hair products are the worst! Your efforts to get rid of the stuff made me laugh (I did some of the same things when I discovered the horrible things Herbal Essences’ “fine/thin hair” line did to my tresses) – but yeah, I think I would have to agree with the above commenters in their suggestions to toss it or donate it. Some things just aren’t worth it! 🙂

    • #6 by joannamv on October 27, 2010 - 2:19 pm

      Ah, ah, I just had to reply because I love Herbal Essences and know what you mean about the fine hair products being, well, not love-worthy! Generally I assume that shampoo is shampoo, and some is better. But actually some is worse. My mother-in-law just gave me some shampoo after clearing out her bathroom, and some of it is for a different hair type than mine. I will try it, but might end up having a Cristy “what do I do with this shampoo” moment!

      • #7 by Cristy on October 27, 2010 - 7:25 pm

        If it’s Pantene, you can give it to me. 🙂

  6. #8 by Diane on November 4, 2010 - 10:12 pm

    Use it for bubblebath or to shave your legs with forget the hair care,,,,,and seriously it’s ok to throw it in the guest bathroom they will never know!!!

  7. #9 by felicialauer on November 29, 2010 - 5:17 am

    You probably already know this (by the way, have you noticed that I am sick, can’t sleep, and am reading your blog to entertain myself? I promise I’ll stop commenting soon.), but just in case you don’t, I will remind you of my very favorite thing about Costco. They have a no-questions-asked, no-time-limit refund policy, no matter how much of something you have used. And, on most things, excepting computers (but monitors are included), tires, mattresses, and iPods, and maybe a couple others, but pretty much everything, they have a complete lifetime warranty on everything they sell. Want some real-life examples from my own family? We bought a TV and FIVE years later when it pooped out they gave us a new one of comparable size and quality(except way nicer bc of the improvements made in 5 years). And same thing with a DVD player. We try to buy all our electronics, small appliances, etc., at Costco because of this policy and it is wonderful. Anyway, when you use a third of an enormous bottle of shampoo, bring it back, get all your money back, and buy the Pantene.

    • #10 by Cristy on November 29, 2010 - 8:40 am

      I didn’t know that!! Do you have to have the receipt? I think I might still have it somewhere…

  8. #11 by Felicia on November 30, 2010 - 3:10 am

    It is good to have the receipt, but they can usually look up the receipt using your member number. I have taken advantage of that policy many times because you can try something and if you don’t love it, you can return it. The manager even told me that’s part of why they do that is to encourage members to try new things without feeling roped into a year’s worth of the stuff if they don’t like it. So, you need never again suffer through a Costco-sized anything you don’t like. And, I would encourage you to look into buying your electronics, appliances, etc., there, because the lifetime replacement thing is awesome. I’m not sure if I made this clear in my previous comment, but the warranty/replacement policy includes normal wear and tear and something just getting old and dying. Stephen and my dad like to buy tools there if they can, and when they wear out a drill, they bring it back and are handed a new one. It is so amazing!
    Also, I agree with some of the others- something I have done with unwanted opened beauty products is to donate them to women’s shelters. They are always very appreciative. I hope you are enjoying your Pantene now! You always have had beautiful and shiny hair by the way. I wish I could grow my hair that long, but I cant. I have extremely thin hair(and not much of it) and it gets irreparably tangled and scraggly if it even gets to my shoulders. I digress… sorry for rambling! Anyway, now you know about the wonderfulness of Costco’s return and warranty policies!!!

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